Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Bringing You the Past...

Monday, October 4th, 2004
4:09 pm
There is no hope...

...for mankind. Every conversation I have with people just reminds me more and more that people utterly suck. Altruism is dead, it's every man for himself. At least that is what the majority of people I know are like. I'm sick of it. You give and give, and they take and take. With no regard to consequence or repercussions. And when they have fallout or backlash because of it, they just whinge about how wronged they are. Because obviously anything they do is correct and proper and right! How dare anyone question them and their fulfillment to their happiness? Why shouldn't they be allowed to step on everyone's toes and crush hearts and destroy trust and friendship along the way? Seriously - some people need to GROW THE FUCK UP!

Honestly this is the ugly part of life that I cannot accept. One day I hope to get past these infantile poor excuses for friends and actually find people who will love and appreciate me and all the effort I put into friendships. People in general really.

So this week will be all about fall cleaning. Winter is depressing enough as it is; I certainly don't need to go into it with the daily stress of certain "friends" weighing me down. Just the fact that I've been able to take a step back and make these decisions, I feel is monumental. This week certain people will be told they are off my list. They are no longer welcome in my home and please do not even speak to me when we meet. I'm through being Mr. Nice Guy. Enough is enough. Time for the piper to be paid.

On a brighter note, Aliester and I have continued chatting throughout the weekend and we've reached a much more amicable tone. I'm quite pleased about that. He keeps asking me when I'm back in town. Perhaps he wants to see me? ;) A girl can dream... I honestly agree with the theory that was put to me the other night. When you're not sure how the other person feels, you don't want to get hurt, so you pull back. I think he and I need to have a serious chat to sort this out, once and for all.

BUT - this weekend I met another nice person online, Cliff. He's pre-med and we've had amazing fantastic chats every day since. I'm supposed to meet him on Wednesday when I return to the city. I am going back tomorrow, but he kindly suggested a day after, so I would have time to settle. Quite sensible actually. He's definitely a good person to keep me on track! (Although I have to say, I've never been more ahead of things on a Monday before. Good thing as the next two weeks should be insanely busy!)

We're supposed to go for a picnic on the mountain. Our mutual suggestion and it happened simulaneously. Interesting... Such a sweet and perhaps romantic idea. I'll keep you posted.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Morales KTU mix...

Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
12:23 pm
Everything is Annoying

Every time I come out here to visit my parents, I get unexplicably annoyed with them for no reason. Well, not no reason, but they sure do know how to get to me. Upon arrival, my father asks, "So who's the flavour of the week?" and seeing as things with Aliester are not so great at the moment, it pisses me off horribly. And now I wanted to get some "vintage" stuff I had here, but it's no where to be found. I guess my mother decided to donate it somewhere or something. There's enough crap lying around here uselessly, but the couple of things I want, GONE. She is like, "I don't remember doing anything with them." But what, they walked off by themselves??? (Note - she has turned my room here into her storage/junk room, so I sleep on the couch when here and she obviously moves things in and out of there.)

Things with Aliester were going very well, Tuesday night was super passionate and amazing. The usual drill followed. Dinner, sex, chat, sleep, sex, breakfast, home. Routine, safe, good. He asked me to describe my inside and my outside in one word each. Outside: unashamed and Inside: arriving. He liked what I picked. Also showed me all kinds of relationship books he has. I'm not quite sure why.

Thursday arrives and he cancels. Twice. I lose it, cry, scream and get really upset. We end up talking a lot. I'm not sure where we are now. But I ask him straight out if he wants me out of his life. He says no. So I guess we'll see. I think he just has to decide in his head whether he wants me or not. Not a happy place for me to be in.

Drama on all fronts - Omar & Lindsey hooking up. Someone being a tad obsessed with OF COURSE and the Sumi Affair. I must escape.

So now I'm here, bored and irritated. Why won't someone love me one of these days?

Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: Silence for once...

Sunday, September 26th, 2004
12:32 am
Refugee Camp

Once again, we're the unofficial partier refugee camp. I usually don't mind, but I'm kinda tired at the moment. So far everyone seems fine downstairs without my company. I'm going to continue cleaning up. Trying to convince someone else to come over and keep me company. (I'm evil and going to hell one of these days.)

Current Mood: Out of It!
Current Music: DJ Miss Thang

Saturday, September 25th, 2004
6:54 pm
Still Happy

Had a little bit of a rough day, but opted on staying home and catching up on sleep and just reading and relaxing instead of going out to Stereo. I missed a great night I hear, but I was happy to be able to spend time with Steph on his bday. Now it's all the french people who are coming over. They seem nice, just can't groove with them. Spoke to the lovely fantastic Aliester not too long ago. Made my day, I was missing him. Might see him later... Hope so. But then it's on to STEREO and Mr. Travolta! I sooooooo can't wait! Bring on the beats. Why do I love gay men so much? ;)

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Some crap ass ABBA - Steph will have to be taught!

Friday, September 24th, 2004
11:36 am
Waking up Next to Perfection

Although I am sure that most of you want to just vomit right now... I just had to say it. It's so nice to wake up next to someone and just be deliriously happy, to think that this is the perfect person you are beside. And I don't mean perfect as in they have no faults, just that he is the perfect person for me. Funny how the best things in life really do happen when you least expect it. Had an amazing night with him last night - couldn't have been better. It's just so lovely being woken up many times, but just so the other person can hold you close, or kiss you, or snuggle. All that after having a really good chat about our lives, what we're doing , been up to and more importantly, he seem to be letting me into his past. So now I feel like I understand him a lot more. He was lovely this morning and so adorable as he slept. I really must get a picture of him while he is sleeping. He just looks so peaceful and absolutely gorgeous. He got up and made me another lovely breakfast. And then we parted... What I love about it is, I miss him when I'm not with him, but I don't feel the empty feeling I usually feel. I just feel utter and complete peace - that I will definitely be seeing him again. And soon.

Other than that, not much to report. My life seems to finally be taking some shape into what I hope it will become. It's been a rough couple of years, but necessary ones I think, because they taught me a lot about myself. And now I think I'm actually ready to be with someone. And to give them what they need.

Current Mood: Glowing
Current Music: Forever More - Moloko

Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
4:56 pm
Today's Plan...

.... was not well thought out but was executed quite nicely. Seeing as it was a gorgeous sunny day here in the city and I've been staying in quite a bit recently and therefore have a surplus of energy, my Brit friend, Sumi, and I decided we needed to get f*&@ered and tarted up and wander around town. So that we did - even to the office so I could get my pay. There was even a street bum who said to us, "With girls like you around, no wonder I never became a priest."

Now she's scampered off to meet some boy and I'm home BORED again. ARGH!

I think I need to start taking photographic evidence of my insanity.

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
1:00 pm
Saying please don't let this go...

This pretty much sums up how I am feeling at this very moment, and in fact, I woke up this morning feeling this way... With this song in my head.

Amazing - George Michael

I was mixed up when you came to me
Too broke to fix
Said ‘daddy get you gone, I’m missing my baby’
Still missing my baby…

I was stitched up by the hands of fate
Said how you gonna make it on your own
If luck is a lady?
Maybe luck is a lady

I was going down for the third time
My heart was broken, I was not open to your suggestions
I had so many questions
That you just kissed away

Tell me, I guess that cupid was in disguise
The day you walked in and changed my life
I think it’s amazing,
The way that love can set you free

So now I walk in the midday sun
I never thought that my saviour would come
I think it’s amazing
I think it’s amazing

I think you’re amazing

You tried to save me from myself
Said ‘Darling ,kiss as many as you want!
My love’s still available
And I know you’re insatiable’

We’re like victims of the same disease
Look at your Big Bad Daddy, and your mom
And your mom ….was always acting crazy

I was going down for the third time
My heart was broken, I thought that loving you
was out of the question
Then I saw my reflection
Saying please don’t let this go

Tell me, I guess that cupid was in disguise
The day you walked in and changed my life
I think it’s amazing,
The way that love can set you free
So now I walk in the midday sun
I never thought that my saviour would come
I think it’s amazing
I think you’re amazing

Celebrate the love of the one you’re with

Celebrate, this life with you baby
I think you should celebrate yeah
Don’t put your love in chains baby
No no, walk in the midday sun
I thought I was dreaming
I think it’s amazing
I think you’re amazing

I said celebrate the love of the one you’re with

As this life gets colder
And the devil inside
Tells you to give up…

Spent another lovely amazing evening with Aliester. Ended up staying over again. He said he decided he has a new rule. No more sleeping over. Then proceeded to wrap his body around mine and had me stay. I love the way this is going. He has doubts because he didn't want to have a relationship, but it seems like he is going with it anyway. I couldn't be happier at the moment I don't think. Things are going well... I'm young, happy and falling... He's been just lovely to me. I feel so lucky.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Amazing - George Michael

Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
3:18 am
Catching Up... The Main Event...

I've decided to forfeit most details of the past couple weeks as it would just take too long to catch up with it all and I'm not sure anyone really cares anyway. But there was one major event that has been an area I've been focusing on ever since!

The Friday night Mazi played, I was just too tired and not into it to stay at Stereo - so I wandered on home around 9 am and went to bed. Slept a lovely 3 hours until Haydactle swooped in and woke me up. I promptly mumbled incoherently and then burrowed under the ever present mountain of laundry I should really do something about that is always on half of the bed! Failing to properly fall back asleep, a couple hours later I gave up and got up. A few people hanging about cracking it out - which is usual for these here parts. No matter. I have the computer and internet upstairs!

So I check all the boards, and also my email - nothing really going on. Everyone I know and talk to is pretty much in full on party mode I suppose, so why would they email me or have any contact with a computer at all, for that matter!

Get on to Lavalife, which is always a trusty way to waste time and amuse oneself when one has little brain functionality at the moment. But instead, I meet HIM. Get a message from a guy in the Intimate category. Surprise surprise. But he sends me pictures and he's INCREDIBLY hot. And so we chat. He's nice. He's normal. He's not creepy. Hayden arrives back in all his glory and I head off to dinner with plans to call this guy upon return.

Call him - chat briefly and a little tipsily (God what a horrible word I just invented!) He's supposed to call back in an hour; two pass. I fear that I've been too weird for him. Or drunk. Or my friends too high. *sigh* Just when I fear all hope is gone, he calls. I convince him to meet up and it's a date. Although it's a date I'm taking the present weekend refugees, Sumi & Hayden, on.

Go to the little park not far from home to wait for him. Bring huge amounts of alcohol along because he might take 5 minutes to arrive. He rides up on a mod BMX and the three of us are speechless. Good thing Hayden regains speech quickly (No one could ever shut that bitch up for long.) I feel weak, he's so incredibly hot, so incredibly WOW...

He hangs out with us at my place. Doesn't mind that they are all messy. I long to be closer to him. More refugees start calling and arriving. I just want to have him there and then. We chat and I'm all nervous. I NEVER get nervous. What the hell is wrong with me?!

He mentions that he has to go to a show his friend is performing in. I refuse to let him leave my sight. I must have this boy. MUST. So I decide to accompany him. We arrive and it's some arabic band. Stay for 15 minutes or so, decide we've missed his friend and leave. MUST HAVE HIM. He gives me a ride back to my place on his bike. I had to hold tight to him. Felt so good... Didn't help me to not want him - cuz he smelled so good... and tasty.

Invite him to come back in... He accepts. Hmmm.... Guess I haven't scared him off yet. Could it be possible? The hottest hot boy EVER is still in my presence. Wow. We chat and somehow get closer little by little. My friends still haven't scared him off. Go to kitchen to either put something in the fridge or retrieve something - I dunno, my mind lost most detail there, because I turn around and there he is. Soon we're on top of each other on the couch there. I sort of panic - so many people are like right there - just waiting to interrupt. I'm shocked they haven't yet. Run upstairs, throw things everywhere - under bed, in closet in vain attempt to quickly clean room. Drag him up - two minutes later, he says, "Why not my place? I live alone." I accept, get Stereo tickets, throw them at Hayden, hop on the bike and we're off. (And just as quickly as you could read that sentence too.)

Another ride, with his delicious smell so close to me, feeling his hot tight body... Torture, thank god it didn't last long. Get to his place - so cute and lovely. Peaceful and I feel perfectly at ease. Have the "tour" - love the bed that is upstairs! ;) Have crazy sex. Think how lovely this is - so unprecedented, so incredible. Have to get Hayden something spectacular for waking me up and making this all possible. He kind of mentions me leaving, I'm too tired to even think about it, fall asleep cuddled up next to him. Wake up, look at his perfection and have more sex. Lovely morning sex. Don't want to leave, but must. He has school work to do and I have people to answer to.

Get home around 10:30 or 11. Hayden wanders in not long after. Tell him details. He can't believe what he hears. I'm bursting with happiness. Can't stop smiling. Yan and Steph notice and can't believe it either. I had beautiful lovely animalistic sex with the hottest hot boy ever. Wow.

Go have breakfast with the crew - can't stop thinking about him. He's continually on my mind.

Several days pass, with many interesting, great fantastic conversations. I'm loving how we click. He seems to get me. And in a way that I've never felt "gotten" before. Could this be real? Am I dreaming? And I don't even do my usual, something-bad-is-going-to-happen freak out that I usually do. I just go with the flow and let things proceed. I'm dying to see him, but do my usual all week - even forfeit hooking up with J because I'm so into this. And what might happen.

Thursday rolls around and an invitation to get together is extended. I agree immediately; it's set for later in the evening, like 10 or 11. He's late, someone mentions to me, aren't I worried that I'm being stood up. I'm not. Confident that he's just a little late. No specific time after all was agreed on. He arrives a bit late, but sounds very happy and I prepare to head to his place.

I'm super calm and collected, even read on the walk over. Arrive and he's forgotten his bike. I go with him to search for it and then we arrive at his and go to bed. He's tired and so am I. We have brief but intense sex and talk for a little bit. But sleep overwhelms us and we lie entangled in repose.

Once again, I wake up, see him and thank whoever is responsible for this lovely man for making him the way he is. He's very deep, spiritual, dedicated to whatever he wants to do, and seems very open and honest. He's incredibly attractive - I don't want to ever stop touching him. He's lovely and makes breakfast, then I tell him I have to leave. He looks sort of puzzled and doesn't really seem to want me to go. I explain he has homework, and Fridays are my crazy day for work. I just don't want to overstay my welcome. Want to not let myself get too entranced by his utter perfection should I have to give it up. He makes me promise to see him later.

Later comes and he's just too tired. I'm too busy and a little irate at the world, so in the end, it is a good thing. I do my work, deal with fucktards and end up at Stereo. Feeling ill but loving the music. A bad combo that makes me tired but not wanting to leave. Finally I relent and go home to fitfully sleep and be in major pain.

Wake up, tired and hungry. Eat, speak to him and arrange for him to come along to Stereo. I'm excited. Morales nights are great. He is great. I am sure they will get along. He arrives around 3 and I hop on his bike again, arrive at Stereo on the back of his BMX wearing a mini dress and heels. Talk about an entrance. We don't end up spending much time together at the club. He's lost in the music; I'm dealing with the usual requests and idiocies. Finally, I lose everyone in the crowd and just get into the music. Glance towards him once and a while. He seems to be enjoying himself.

Around 9 am, he has to leave. He's starving. Wish he could stay, but happy he's had a good time. Hope to see him later...

Don't end up seeing him later, but talk a lot. Miss him, but don't feel a helpless longing that he's not around. Instead, very confident he will be around in the future.

Had a few conversations of this sort, starting last Friday and it was HIM who brought it up. Wanted to know what "we" were. What I wanted. Where we were headed. I tell him to just let things happen. We just met. I like him, but I'm not going to rush things. In the meantime, my mind and heart are scared. What is this all about?! He explains that he didn't want a girlfriend. It wasn't in his plans. But he feels like we really clicked from the start, there is chemistry. He likes spending time with me. He likes talking to me. He likes fucking me. So now he is questioning the fact that he didn't want a girlfriend.


I still say to him that we should just let things happen. We are both busy people who have lots of things going on. I don't want to sacrifice my life for anyone again - done that, not going there anymore. I want to make him an integral part of my life when it comes to that. But WHEN the time is RIGHT. Not too fast. I want this relationship to work. I feel something incredible. Something different. Something real. I think it could be happening. He listens to me, what I have to say, and understands what I mean. Likes who I am. His kisses are magic to me. I want him to touch me. HE LOVES DISCO! (Could he possibly get MORE perfect? At least for me, that is!) I want to see him. But when I don't, I don't get insecure, or jealous, or anything... I just think, when I do see him, how good will it be. I've never felt so calm and relaxed about someone. Just confident, like things are good and can only get better. I'm not even worried about what might go wrong. This is definitely something on another level...

Could this be it? Seems only time will tell. At worst, I've made an incredible new friend... But I think the best is on it's way.

Current Mood: Elated
Current Music: Any gorgeous house music really...

Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
2:10 am
Living in Bliss

Wow - I just realized that it has been ages since I've updated my live journal. Wow, how has my public been able to survive?! Well, the last few weeks have been nothing if not eventful. There have been massive highs and lows - I almost feel like I'm someone's lab rat or something at times, the way things intensely change within a moment's notice. So if you have a voodoo doll or something one of you - please please take out a few pins! ;) Although, things at the moment are really good. :) I'm happy about the turn they have taken...

Last we left off I'd just heard about what had happened with Ethan. I spent many restless nights after that, just questioning life in general. Had a "fight" with my mother who insisted that I should turn to god... Where I replied that I didn't believe that a god should let things like that happen. Not necessarily referring to the actions that had occurred but that one could sink into such a feeling of hopelessness. I've been there myself as well, and could never quite wrap my head around the why of it happening.

I was supposed to go to see the ECB at Circus but felt a little ignored by people who I was supposed to go with - passed by Stereo for Freak Out, but was planning on heading to Circus anyway. Ended up having a break down of sorts - everyone working was really cool and supportive. They're still checking up on me to make sure I'm doing alright. Things like that make me love my job more sometimes. It's nice to know that people care about you... Had an alright time.... Ended up back at home with a message from Billy & Richard. Was soooo happy - went over almost right away; it had been ages since I'd seen Richard. Kinda kidnapped him and we ended up getting "lost" in the smallest park ever. Then Richard passed out. Hahahaha.... The King has fallen!

Ended up sitting at home with Hayden and getting a bit messed up - beat listening to whatever was going on upstairs - although "Nothing happened" so we've been repeatedly told. But as she's now known in my circle, "Marilyn Manson goth whore" and Yan couldn't possibly have been on that much mdma and sequestered in a room for almost 24 hours and not have done anything??? There were very suspicious noises too... Anyway, they ARE adults, it just would really really suck for Rob if something did happen. He's one of the sweetest guys and no one deserves this!

Which brings me to another point - why the hell do I find a need to sleep with guys when their gf's don't like me... I know I like to give them a real reason to not like me, but isn't that a little self destructive. Although J is really really good. But we won't go there again...

Made it to Piknik Electronik and proceeded to have a great day - the roomies and Turbo being my crew. Stayed til the last track at 10 pm... Fireworks and house music was a cool thing to see. Hurriedly got ready and then off to Billy's for the film crew. As soon as I got there, was presented with the problem of not being able to get into Stereo. Tried to work it out, but at least we got unlimited guest list. Was looking forward to Richard being back in the house.

Too tired to continue this at the moment... But can't wait to get to the Bliss part.... ahhh hot boy!!!

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Sweet house music sent to me by a boy ;)

Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
9:19 pm
Another Blow...

Wow - life sure does take strange messed up turns. Anxious and messed up all day again, I decided I needed to get out of the house at one point before I completely lost my mind. Although I didn't really feel like being in public though. But I just needed to get outside of these walls. I'd already called Hayden 100 times I think. I am sure he will be sick of me at one point. *sigh*
So I headed off to Alki's to pick up my skirt she had borrowed and to charge up my old cell phone so I can finally retrieve all my numbers from it. Will be nice to have my address book complete once again.
After checking my messages, and STILL no word from Ethan, I went home, called Darcy and discovered that he had headed back to the US. I was upset and confused. What had I done wrong?
Trying not to call his place - but desparately wanting to know that he was really alright and had made it home... I decided that it was definitely up to him at this point especially since I knew his family must be furious and there was hell going on there.
Walked past the computer and he popped online. Finally I had contact! So it turns out he ended up somewhere in Ontario and took the entire half litre of G. Suicide. He somehow made it back to Lena and Darcy's where they took care of him and apparently saved his life.
Now I am filled with so many questions, doubts, relief, fear, intense sadness, and pretty much every emotion you could think of. What did I do wrong? Did I do something to trigger this? Did I not care enough? Why didn't I notice something was wrong... So many questions, so few answers.

Current Mood: sad

Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
6:17 am
In the Cards...

I forgot - Jenn did my Tarot card reading a week ago. It said that I am trying to get something, but I don't know what it is. Basically I'm confused as fuck... Seriously the truth. But the part about going for something, but now knowing what it was really was messed up.

Every day for the past week my horoscope has seemed pretty pertinent as well. Today's is interesting for sure:

June 21 - July 21
If you're not married or engaged, dear Cancer, you may feel that your current love interest is avoiding you. However, this is just your imagination. Relationships always go through ups and downs, so don't worry. If you have serious doubts whether there is something wrong, just ask your partner.

I guess I should stop stressing about Ethan so much. I'll try and reach him again today. I guess one day he will have to come out of whatever state he is in and stop avoiding the real world. It can't go on forever. I just wonder what he is running away from? And the more I think about it - his mood was pretty melancholy this week. He seemed very pensive. I suppose that could have been all the partying, but I think it was definitely more, now that I think about it.

Current Mood: thoughtful
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5:22 am
Confusion Abounds, Insanity Imminent
What a rollercoaster of emotions I am on at the moment. How can life go from being so wonderful to being in utter chaos in such a short period of time?
I spent the last week in what I thought was a happy time - loving so much of what seemed to be occurring in my life, thinking that finally my time had come for good things to start heading my way. I spent much of the week on an end of summer party spree with Ethan, Hayden and Yan. Other people joined along the way, and there were many after parties held here at what people were calling the Crunk Mansion.
Ethan arrived Saturday evening and I was ecstatically happy to have him here with me again. The two weeks we'd pretty much spent apart was way too long for me and my heart was aching to see him. Oddly enough, he stayed with me and we briefly went to Jojo's before heading off to Stereo. Where again, he didn't leave my side, and only briefly greeted Darcy and Lena. Then it ended up being a week of being almost constantly at his side. I fell hard for him - my heart cannot deny that. I have never been able to sleep beside anyone, let alone in his arms, which is what I did all night, every night (or whenever we would sleep.) When I would turn away or roll over, he would pull me back to him. It's nice to feel like someone wants to that much. It's been a long time since I let myself care for anyone in this way - let alone spend so much time with someone, and also to be able to walk around and hold someone's hand and want to be like that, well it was a big change for me. Easier to do than I expected.

There was a brief interlude on Wednesday night (after Sean Dimitri and Patrick Dream argued over who got to be my pimp) when Jesse got to me... And badly... But in a good way.

But things returned to being great with Ethan, and as Saturday, and his departure approached, I started to get really sad. I didn't want him to leave, and he didn't seem to want to leave either. I could barely sleep Friday night although I had stayed at home to spend one last night with him. I woke up Saturday morning with an impending sense of doom hanging over me. We spent another few hours just holding one another and not wanting to let go. Finally he was off, promising to be back in a week, at worst two. The departure from my doorway left us kissing and unable to part at first.

I spend the next few hours in utter agony missing him terribly, but fortunately with many things to do, so the day passes quickly.

Then it was off to Stereo for David Morales' bday bash. Exhausted beyond belief and upset over some trivialities, the night starts off a little rough as the club is overpacked and the crowd annoying. The day gets better and better, running into lots of old friends and meeting some cool people. And getting a huge kiss and hug from the king himself!

Wake up late Monday afternoon to discover no messages from Ethan. Am extremely worried. Try to call him at home in Vermont, speak to his father and get more worried when I find out they have not heard from him in about two weeks now... Call around and discover he is still in Montreal. At Lena and Darcy's; reach Darcy who does the same, "He is sleeping" trick as last time this occurred. Am worried, upset, mad and frustrated.

Call Mr. Cousino back and give him the update - he tells me that Ethan has lost his job, is no longer welcome there and will be up on criminal charges in the US. I become even more worried, and then wonder, did I mean nothing to him? What is he running away from in his life? Was I just someone he used? I'm really full of questions and anxieties.

Spend much of the evening miserable and talk to Iman in NYC. Wish I would have gone there as planned last week a bit. Although then I would have gotten more attached to him, instead of Ethan, and I would have been in pain either way. He helps me to calm down and stop thinking such dark thoughts.

Still unable to sleep - mind too active and I'm completely miserable. Think I will try and contact Ethan again today. I need to have some sort of closure - see where his mind is at. Can't even go into my room - too many memories of him. Should wash my bed, but his smell is there and it's the only thing of him I have left. :(

I'm an utter mess at the moment. Don't know what to do, where I should go, where to turn and I feel completely alone and unloved. I wish I could just shut off my brains, stop crying and vomiting (from being upset) and could numb the pain I am currently feeling. I thought Ethan was different - I wish I hadn't fallen in love.

Current Mood: distressed

Thursday, August 19th, 2004
9:45 pm
Suck Suck Suckity Suck!

Sometimes I wonder if when I was born, I automatically had a "KICK ME" sort of sign attached to my back that everyone can see but me. Why is it alright to treat me like shit?! I'd like to think I'm good to people, but why do people think it's ok to fuck around with me... Food for thought.

Current Mood: sad

6:11 pm
Does it Ever End?!

Well, it has been many eventful days since my last entry. The weekend was pure insanity - started off as fun insanity and as my insecurity and lack of sleep both increased, my real psychotic insanity decided to show.
Hayden and I decided that we needed to get as messed up as possible on Friday night. I dunno, but my gay boyfriend and I are definitely bad influences on each other! So after Sumi and I had trudged around in the rain and gone back to mine and already started to drink... Hayden called and it was off to Crunk & Funk at Buddha Bar. Honestly one of the only reasons I wanted to go was to see Julian. He's hella hot and I find out mega loaded. Interesting... We don't really know each other, but it seems he's been making enquiries.
Show up there, there's absolutely sweet fuck all going on and Sumi ditches me there. Hayden feeds me sushi and wine and K. A great start to the night! We decide we need to get "supplies" for the night... Meet up with Greg, run over to Hayden's and on the way home rail a half a sleaze each. The trip from NDG to downtown passes without either of us knowing.
Round up the rest of the crew and some lovely vodka at Franklin's, go to the parking garage where the tire proceeds to blow on his car, fucking it up massively. A cab ride later and we're back to Buddha where I decide I can't deal with the fucktards there, so I grab the bag of alcohol and make for my place.
A bottle of vodka later, somehow I'm getting out of a cab at Stereo with Neil and I barely remember leaving a crew of people at my house. Proceed to jump on everyone and hump them. Have the shortest skirt known to mankind on and also drink another contraband bottle of vodka that Hayden and I smuggled in. Do K with Max and get a nasty cigarette burn from Rob Brown when I jump on top of him. Dance my ass off with Manuoso and Jenn and pretty much the night passes as a blur. I distinctly remember running away from a lot of people and doing mass amounts of everything.
Somehow end up back at my place and then the after party ensues.

My hair ends up getting chopped and dyed and some "WORK IT" people stay WAY too long. I get impatient and end up at Stereo for Victor and mEthan in a foul and tired as hell mood. Luckily I am able to track down Boris and ask him to Sleaze me up when he arrives. Miss Boris, have to call him again and finally I get my dose several hours later. "This music is bend me over and fuck me hard music, ah ah ah" Yes, Boris, yes it is!

Spend part of the night in the VIP with sketchy fucking people, but it's the only way I can see Ethan really. My heart is breaking because all I want to do is take him home and fuck him. Honestly, meow!!!

Spend an hour in the booth with Danny K, so he can see Victor at work, Sylvain gets messy and paranoid and annoying and Carol gets pissy when she sees me and Danny together. In the meantime, Ethan has disappeared. :(

Get home and track Ethan down, he's at Beach Club. So much for spending time together. I lose it and pull a princess fit. Haven't had a full on one like this in years. That means the boy can get to me. I hate it, but love it all at once. Hard to care for someone, but so nice to know I still can.

End up being stressed out and pissy most of the day. Chill with Anne, Jeff & Hayden, find out Hayden's shoes have been stolen, nix the plan to go to Parking, although I really wanted to go see Patrick. Spend a sleepless night missing Ethan, wishing I could just sleep in his arms.

Monday brings Hayden back over. We watch movies, eat and smoke. I get so antsy waiting for Ethan, and Larry gets pissed off. I end up going to Neil's to get away and catch Ethan online. We somehow work things out, although I'm still unhappy about not having had any time with him. I just want to know I matter after all? I guess that he cared enough to work things out shows that I do...

Been talking to him all week - he's been calling at night even though he sounds so tired. I feel lucky to be able to chat with him and get to know him more. And he really is such a sweet guy... Him & his kitties - LOL; wonder where this is going to end up...

Went to Daome with the recently single Jeff. Got really messed up and Pat Boogie came home with us. Christobel told me the guy I met with him last week, Jonas, is gay and his ex bf. What?! Too many unavailable hottie boys!

Been relaxing the rest of the week, been tired and want to heal my fucked up body. Ethan asked me if I'd been wrestling gorillas this week. LOL - I dunno, could have happened, not like I'd remember...

So that's the summary. It's been a good week for reconciliation and for me to figure out who means what to me. Supposed to go to Circus to see Pat play tonight, but the weekend is fast coming up and I dunno if I can survive it all!!!


Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Bombay CD someone forgot at my house - yay for free cd's ;)

Monday, August 16th, 2004
12:42 am
Sad and Tired...

What an emotionally draining weekend. Started off quite well - then my insecurities made me fuck things up with Ethan permanently I think. Am quite sad, confused and upset. I'm going to go to bed and try and make more sense of it in the morning. And pray to god that Ethan will call tomorrow.

Current Mood: sad
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Friday, August 13th, 2004
11:42 am
Bling Bling!!!
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy! I just got my check for almost $2200! WOO HOO! Now I can do a bit of shopping and pay bills. Today is a good day...

Much love...

Current Mood: happy

7:50 am

That's exactly how I am feeling this morning. Like 3 hours of sleep I think maybe??? I was already having enough trouble sleeping, but then Yan was downstairs and didn't hear his alarm. So it was going off for 15 minutes. I couldn't tell if it was his or the people upstairs from me, so I just suffered. And then the phone started ringing. So I guess for better or for worse, I am up now. Ugh. I feel like a truck rain over me and like someone put sand in my eyes. I hope I'll be able to nap later, cuz if not, this is going to be one HELLA long day!

Woke up still very disappointed with people. I hope that will pass, but I don't suppose it will unless people start growing brains, or at least using them! Alrighty, I'm off to forage for food methinks.

Much love... although I'm not sure for everyone this morning! ;)

Current Mood: exhausted

Thursday, August 12th, 2004
11:43 pm

Just a quick thought before bed...

Do I want to be purring like a kitty or do I want to make someone giggle like a schoolgirl? I think I know where my heart is headed...

Much love...

11:10 pm
Take Me Out to the Ballgame....

Just got in from the Expos game with Jeff. Was interesting... But before I get to that - let me update on some details I forgot about yesterday.

Living: Malcolm, head of Stereo security, was there. How odd was that. 600 lb black man trying to pick me up and Patrick Dream getting me underwear for a present... Interesting indeed.

Went to the ballgame with Jeff. Glad I did - it was nice to talk to someone who knows the people who are concerning me, yet has his head on his shoulders. At times I felt like I was complaining a lot, but I think he was really supportive and didn't mind so much. I really appreciated his input - helped me clear my mind on a couple of things.

The game was so-so. Baseball has never really been my thing, although it was fun to be there. Cool to be with 15 000 people. And we had so much fun just making fun of everyone and everything. Lotsa laughs for sure, like the 16 year old ravers not using their indoor voices!

Got home and returned some phone calls. Seems like people suck once again. Still waiting for calls back that don't seem to be coming. If you don't want to hang out with me, or be my friend, please fuck off. That shouldn't be too much to ask, should it?!

Carol tells me that Misiry DOESN'T hate me - like I give a flying fuck. He really really hurt me and I don't know if I should just say it's ok... Know what I mean? Like should you let people shit on you if they give you a roll of TP to go with it???

Oh dear - I think I'm in a totally foul mood. But at least mEthan will be here on the weekend. I love how things are usually sunny with him, and if they're not, he confronts it right away. If only everyone in this world was as honest with their feelings/opinions as he seems to be.

Alrighty, time for me to go bitch with my gay friends for a bit - we're such women ;), and then early to sleep. Probably best for me in the long run anyway. Ahhh I know - bubble bath and a book... Tea and then sleep. That will do a girl right!

Much love...

4:01 pm
Oh My God...

I had read this on the news today, that a girl was raped in my neighborhood last night. Kind of frightening since I ALWAYS walk around alone... But it wasn't until Christobel called me to see if I was ok and if I knew about it that it connected. WE WERE SITTING ABOUT 5 FEET AWAY FROM WHERE SHE WAS RAPED. Scary as hell. So sweet of Chris to call me and make sure I was ok... I adore him, he's one of the most real people I have met. Unashamed to be a broken person. Nothing to hide.

I just ran into him on the street. Wants me to go over and watch a movie that we had started to watch earlier - after Living last night. Temptations... I always love spending time with Chris, but I said I'd go to the ball game with Jeff and then I was supposed to go to dinner with Ibra, but I overbooked myself because I thought for sure he'd cancel..... ARGH, but he just messaged me. I'm so bitched. What's a girl to do?

Ball game it is I think... Something different and normal and Jeff and I have been having some great chats as of late.

Much love...

Thursday, August 12th, 2004
3:01 pm

Well - this is the first entry in what will probably prove to be the beginning of my book! Mitchell (who was bitchell, then kitchell, then skitchell and now twitchell, LOL) always talks about how I should write one. I have to admit, I do have some pretty rock star stories to tell!

Alright, Jeff (MtlAnglo) told me a couple times that I should do something like this and since today I was quite bored, I thought, why the hell not? I miss writing like I used to, I think reading and writing keep your brain from rotting unlike television! Hence my theory that I should read EVERY day although yesterday was a bit of a bust on that one. Oh well, can't be perfect all the time. And god knows, I'm not even going to try!

So last night I went to Living; I just couldn't face sitting at home alone again. Even though I really wanted to chat with Ethan online, I didn't manage to catch up with him much this week. And when I did yesterday, I pulled the whole jealous girly stupidities with him - the same ones I abhor in others and promised myself I would never do! I feel quite shite about that... :( I think things are ok now, but I hate being that way. It was making me even more cross because I was mad at myself, oh well. *sigh*

Just last weekend was so perfect. No drugs, no alcohol, just having a good time being WITH someone. Hanging out... no pressure at all to be "on". I miss those days. Don't get me wrong, I mainly love my life, but it's not easy always having to be what people expect you to be! And being a promoter for a club isn't easy because you ALWAYS seem to somehow be in the public eye and can get criticized for soooo many stupid things! Like if you don't give people as many VIP's as they think they deserve, ARGH... But I do love my job - never have felt like I belonged anywhere as much as this.

These past few days have been rough. I feel so stressed out all the time. I think after such a lovely relaxing weekend, being back here and to everyone's attitudes was really a hard adjustment. I hate having friends all hanging out having good times and then no one ever calls me. For fuck's sake, I DO have a phone now. I do like to do things other than go to Stereo and other bars. But people always seem to forget about me. It's been the story of my life though. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Sometimes I wonder if there are some of us that are just cursed from the beginning. Like you're set to always have trials in your life from day one. I dunno...

A bit of bright news yesterday though - I FINALLY got off my ass and called my old work. I think I just wasn't ready and I didn't want to deal with talking to anyone there. Thank god the person who answered had no idea who I was and I was just a number to them. So it all went really smoothly. So I shall have my T-4's soon and can do my taxes, which should give me a good chunk of change to live on, so I can continue my battle to educate the masses to house music! But the best part? :) She was like, we also have a check here for you... I was surprised, but quite curious. Taking a chance that she would tell me how much over the phone, I was SHOCKED to realize that I am going to be getting almost $2200!!! Yay! She said she'd post it yesterday, so I expect (hope) that by tomorrow I will have it. Rent crisis solved again!!!


I HAVE been trying unsuccessfully to find a part time week job, but I think I need to kick my search up a notch. I can't depend on miracles and people's goodness forever. Although I know I have been very fortunate. I also want more independance to do what I want to do.

Although this recent windfall is making me REALLY consider going to Chicago for Frankie Knuckles Day. That will only happen once in a lifetime - I am soooooo happy for him! And totally wanna see Chicago. Although it is kind of painful - reminders of Glenn. My soul mate if I ever had one. I wonder if I met him today, would I still feel the same? I dunno... I don't even recognize myself from a year ago, so how could I possibly be the same person as 6 years ago??? It's scary how much I've changed... Physically, spiritually and emotionally for sure, sometimes even fundamentally I think.

Just got an email from Iman - why does my heart have to ache every time he says the smallest thing? I miss him so much, sometimes I think I should pack it all in and run off to NYC and see where that could go, but a strange city, few friends and little money, although the windfall, hmmmmmmmmm......... But I think I need much more indication of interest before I'd do that. And then there's mEthan....

I hate it when people get to me. He really gets to me. Actually, now that I think about it, I've really always had a great time with him. I'm still shocked he moved back up here and even more shocked about him driving almost 4 hours last weekend to come see me. Now that's dedication! I'm kind of confused as to what we are though. I just know I'm really looking forward to spending this weekend around him. I'm going to try and exorcise my jealousy demon - and just be cool, cuz I know it's his birthday and he's going to be on full on party mode. So if I don't get any "us" time, I should not be all that surprised. But he did kind of hint that we would. I sure hope so... He's a great guy; I'd be lucky to have him.

I just realized how absolutely lonely I am - two years of singledom and I think I'm finally ready to really be with someone. Plus my parents like him - so that's always a good thing. I am really happy I'm back to caring what they think. Just goes to prove drugs can be bad. The almost eternal K-Hell I was in was bad for sure... Thank god I got out of that; thanks to James largely. It's terrifying to think back to how I almost let it swallow me up. Ok, enough of that depressing thought - I made it through and definitely became a better person because of it. I guess that's one reason why people's drug problems/abuse/use seem to be getting to me so much lately. I just see them headed to terrible places. Places no one should ever go. :(

I was supposed to go to dinner with Ibra tonight @ La Louisiane. I haven't been there in ages and it would be nice to catch up with him. I haven't seen him in almost two weeks now, since the Upper Club incident. I still have yet to make a decision as to whether he was being an ass that night or really was super drunk. Although, I have never thought that using your substance abuse as an excuse for your shitty actions was cool. The jury's still out, as they say...

Still puzzled as to why certain things are happening in my life and with work at the moment. It seems like sometimes no matter how much you try to be a good person and do good things, these efforts go largely unnoticed. Well, I'm definitely not doing it for the money! And not for acknowledgment per se, but it would be nice to feel appreciated. I was really happy with Alex and his comments on Tuesday though. Despite issues we may have had and those have been rare, he really is a good boss, he tries hard, and I know it can't be easy getting the shit from above. Cuz I'm sure he gets a lot that is unwarranted.

Anyway, I suppose I'm being pensive since I have a lot more time on my hands now that I organzied my room, updated my contact list and have sent out my mass emails of the week. I should take weekends off more often since it seems I become infinitely more efficient! Thinking about things isn't a bad thing though - I just don't wanna get caught in a funk.

I should be off though, I am sure I could blabber on FOREVER on this thing - but I'm not sure how interesting it would be. Probably not very... LOL So I'll be off and start my day ;)

Much love...


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