Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Best Montreal Craigslist Post EVER

So you've decided to use the elevator
Reply to:
Date: 2008-01-28, 4:56PM EST

Hi there! I'm glad to see you've chosen the elevator as your preferred way of navigating the various floors of this office building. I know that you have many alternative means at your disposal of getting from floor to floor (the stairs, for instance), but I think you made the right choice by getting in at the ground floor (pun intende) with the fine elevator service offered by the landlord of this building.
As a fellow fan of the elevator I thought I might provide some helpful advice.

I know the elevator can be confusing. All those pretty lights and buttons! Because of this, it is important to ascertain beforehand which floor you want to go to. I know the options are many what with the building having 7 whole levels, so let's do a brief run-through:
You do not want to press the button for the ground floor, if this happens to be the floor on which you are entering the elevator. The same goes for any other level on which you are entering the elevator. If you are summoning the elevator, it is because you wish to go to another floor. Confusing, I know, but keep it in mind.
The buttons to select the desired floor are not placed randomly. You ultimately selected the 4th floor. 4 is located between 3 and 5. You do not need to stand in front of the buttons for a good 30 seconds trying to locate 4. It has not moved since kindergarden, rest assured. Trusty old 4 is still right where it should be, holding down the fort between 2 prime numbers.
Once you have reached your floor, it is appropriate to vacate the elevator. This is where you want to be. It's a magical moment, reaching your destination, but please enjoy it from outside the elevator. I was already late for work due to my girlfriend sleeping over, and I felt obligated to give her a little lovin this morning. You staring in wonderment at the fourth floor in all its glory just made me 30 seconds later, and my boss 30 seconds more angry.
Do not stare at yourself in the elevator mirror while another human being is in there with you. I admit, when I am alone in the elevator, I too make funny faces and admire myself in the mirror. The key word though, is 'alone.' I appreciate that you are big, you are beautiful, and somewhere under that makeup, there is a woman. Admire yourself in all your god-created glory another time, because frankly, you're wigging me out.

I hope that this has been educational. Should you have any questions regarding the operation of the elevator after reading this either consult the manual god gave you at birth called common sense, or avoid using the elevator all together by opening a window on one of the higher floors, and jumping out because YOU ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO USE THE ELEVATOR!

That guy who works on the 7th floor.


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