Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Deep Thoughts...

And yes, I do have them.

I'm not anything if not overanalytical and extremely in my head at the best of times. It's something that can make me crazy but I also like being very much aware of what I am feeling and why.

I worry about those I love and their bad habits, whether is be bad relationships, self-hate, or substance abuse. I realize I have bad habits too, but know where I've been and where I am, so I know that I'm doing better by leaps and bounds. I worry about the pain and hurt I see in the children's eyes - most of the people I really care about are super sensitive amazing souls and sometimes their pain is too evident that it kills me inside.

It's also tough to decide to let go of relationships when they're destructive to you. Some people, maybe intentionally, maybe not, are users and manipulators. They want the control and they take it making you feel so utterly not in control that it leaves you hanging on to a thread of hope that in reality is just an illusion of an idea of what could have been.

But then you also start to see what other possibilities are right in front of you. Maybe where you should have been looking all along. My problem is I'm always so impatient for things to happen and I also am a person who is unashamed about showing how they feel. A deadly combination at the best of times.

So my weekend epiphanies are thus: BE PATIENT!!!! And cultivate the relationships that are positive, give you something good, make you feel good. Let things happen as they should, que sera sera. Good things always come to me in my life; I shouldn't doubt that everything will happen in time, that I deserve an amazing person to share my life with, I should have faith in myself and know my worth. (After all, Sheeba often screams it at me... Through repetitive verbal abuse may I come to know my worth, lol)

Love myself first and best and how can I fail to find that amazing person who is out there for me? So cliche but really so true.

I feel like I'm on Oprah, this is so Hallmark card material. Kill me now, but I've decided I'm a girl and I have feelings and dammit, I'm going to feel them.


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