Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Prank Phone Call to Victoria Secret by John Hargrave

I thought it would be kind of hot to make a prank phone call to a Victoria's Secret operator. I knew my fantasy wasn't going to come true when the phone was answered by what sounded like a large, humorless German woman. Let's just say she sounded like she was wearing very sensible undergarments.

What I wanted to do was ask about every ridiculous item in the Victoria's Secret catalog. The phone call took a long time, since many items meet that criteria. Here are the highlights of my conversation with the elderly German supermodel.


VICTORIA'S SECRET: My name is Kathleen. How can I help you today?

JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, Kathleen. I'd like to order a few items from your online catalog.

VS: Certainly. Can I have the first item number?

JH: Sure. I'd like #177-071, the embroidered lace bra.

VS: What size?

JH: 34B.

VS: B as in boy?

JH: Uh ... B as in breast.

VS: I'm sorry?

JH: 34B. Yes.

VS: Would you like that in hot pink or black nude?

JH: Mmm. Both sound so nice, Kathleen. Let's do black nude.

VS: Okay.

JH: Now, is this a sheer bra?

VS: Let's see. I'm reading the description, which says it has a light foam demicup and sheer embroidered lace.

JH: I guess I'm asking whether you can see the, ah, the ... you know, the, uh, the nipples?

VS: Ah. No, there is a foam demicup, so the breasts would be covered.

JH: Not the nipples, the, ah, what's that called? The ariel?

VS: The area would be covered, yes.

JH: No, no. Ariel was the star of The Little Mermaid. You know what I mean. The aureole.

VS: Right, that area would be covered, sir. Can I have your next item #?

JH: Is that how you pronounce it? OR-ee-ohl?

VS: [Silence]

JH: It's just funny that it sounds like a bird. Oriole. Aureole.

VS: [Trying to get rid of me] Can I have your credit card number, sir?

JH: Sure, just one second. I'd also like item #169-765.


VS: And what size?

JH: Well, what size do the wings come in? Just medium and large?

VS: This item number is a strapless bra, sir.

JH: I just want to order the wings.

VS: The wings are not an item for sale. They're just a prop.

JH: I don't understand. Did the model actually grow wings?

VS: We don't sell the wings, sir. Can I have your credit card number?

JH: Sure. [I give her a fake credit card number]

VS: My computer is saying that's not a valid credit card.

JH: Did she sprout wings? Is that what happened?

VS: I'm showing an invalid number. Do you have another credit card?

JH: Sure I do. I'll go get it. While I'm doing that, I have some questions on item #158-978.


JH: Now, this is a musical panty?

VS: Yes, it has a little musical feature, a little button inside the panties that plays "Here Comes the Bride" when you press it.

JH: What else does it play?

VS: Just that. Just one song.

JH: Would this thing go off during business meetings?

VS: I would imagine that if you push the button, it might go off.

JH: So you could sit on the button by accident, the thing starts playing the wedding march in the middle of an important presentation?

VS: I'm not really sure, sir. I don't have this particular product.

JH: Is this woman in the picture getting married?

VS: Normally this is something that people would order for the bridal shower.

JH: Holy Lord. This picture was taken at a bridal shower?

VS: I have no idea. Can I add this item to your order?

JH: I had no idea women take off their clothes and parade around in musical thongs. Do they take an actual shower?

VS: Can I add this item to your order, sir?

JH: All right. Let's do it. I'm going to see if I can get invited to one of these things.

VS: Will that be all?


JH: No, I'd also like to discuss item #141-869.

VS: OK, the Floral Adhesives.

JH: What are these things?

VS: These are basically, ah, a lot of people wear them, they attach to the ends of your breast, so that you could, uh, you can wear a more sheer outfit without being immodest.

JH: Are they like those no-slip things you put on the bathtub?

VS: I guess you could call them something like that. They're kind of made out of the same type of material.

JH: Can you get them in other shapes? My wife is from Nicaragua, and I was wondering if we could get them made into the shape of her homeland.

VS: No, sir.


JH: All right, let's move on then. I'd like #138-908. Just a pair of the ... [Here I broke up laughing and had to put the phone down.]

VS: Sir?

JH: Hi, sorry. I lost the page for a second. I'd like a pair of the chocolates.

VS: Let's see ... they're only available in buff color.

JH: What is that, like a white chocolate?

VS: The mocha is sold out, we only have buff available.

JH: Darn. I really had my heart set on the mocha.

VS: Shall I add this to your order, then?

JH: I can't resist. I just think those are darling, the novelty candy in the shape of boobs.

VS: [Pause] This is not candy, sir.

JH: Are they filled with caramel or liquid cream or something? I'd hate to think they're hollow.

VS: Sir, these are silicone.

JH: What?!

VS: Sir...

JH: Well, that would taste awful!

VS: Can I get the ... oh, never mind.

[Hang up]


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