Friday, January 28, 2005

Broaden Your Horizons... Wouldn't I Be Happier As a Chick?

From the fine folks at

When you go to college, you're supposed to broaden your horizons. That's what we were meant to believe when we were younger. They were our parents and teachers ideals, which were based on the premises that the more education we get the smarter we will be (basically means everyone becomes an intellectual person after taking philosophy or some crap). So far, in my experience at least, it's been just a reinforcement of the "life's not fair" routine I went through for 14 years (14 because I failed kindergarten) and I'm starting to think college education is more like beating a dead horse. Now that I've become more "intellectual" I've learned to question my choices in life about everything. In trying to strengthen my critical thinking skills, college has made me question myself more than anything. What am I doing here? Wouldn't I be happier if I wasn't a POOR college student? Should I transfer? Should I change my major? Should I change my religion? Should I change my hair color? Should I change from Sprint to AT&T? I was happy with what I learned in high school. I should have quit while I was ahead. It was a lot easier when there was one set path that everyone had to follow and that was it. Now I have to ask myself all these questions. Questions like: Wouldn't I be happier as a chick?

The answer is yes. Chicks have it way easier than guys. To illustrate my argument, here's a short list of problems with being a guy

1. Getting kicked in the nuts. I don't like getting kicked in the nuts and neither do you.

2. You always have to make sure you don't look gay. Are these windpants too tight? Is this a faggy haircut? Is this shirt a gay color blue? Nope, there's nothing worse than appearing like you love the cock. Even if you despise the cock, they wouldn't be able to tell because you're wearing pants that are too tight. You may find the cock reprehensible and yet people will think you love it because ever since you banged your lip on the basement door you talk with a lisp. It sure does suck to be a gay guy! And that's why us normal guys have to work hard all the time to make sure we don't look like cockmasters out there.

3. Chicks always ask guys to fix shit. "Oh, this shit is broken" some chick will cry, and ask a guy to fix it. Then the guy has to spend all day fixing some shit that isn't even his. Like some frenchy venetian blinds or some other stupid shit.

4. Guys don't get preferential treatment because they don't have big knockers. When guys get pulled over for doing 65 mph in a 35 zone, what are they supposed to do? Bat their eyelashes and lower their blouse a little and pucker up? Hell no, cos' if we did that we'd look gay! We have to pay the ticket.

If I were a chick, I wouldn't have any of these problems! I wouldn't have to worry about getting kicked in the nuts, because I wouldn't have any. It doesn't matter if I look gay or not because lesbians are cool and accepted by society. Guys would be there to fix all my shit, and if I ever want my way all I have to do is hike up my skirt a little. Sweet!

Now, women will say "what about child birth and PMS and crap?" To that I say "go knit a sweater you dumb bitch."

So, as you see Mom and Dad, college is a lot different since you were there. You thought you were trying to broaden my horizons, and I end up realizing I would have been much happier if I were born a chick. And many more troubling things go on at college. The universities slip it in non-chalantly into your freshman orientation bulletin as "A program to create a culture of acceptance for people of diverse sexual orientations" but as I like to call it "watch your back straight guys, college means GAY = OK." Well dude, this is just not cool. Watch out, Mom and Dad, our environment of low inhibitions and casual sex just might be the opportunity for your gay son or daughter to come out of the closet. That's right Mom and Dad, after we're done with "broadening their horizons" your son's going to enjoy such new arts as ballet and ass ramming while listening to theater music. And your daughter now listens to Sarah Mclachlan and is a full out rug muncher. Thanks for your $30,000.


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