Best Montreal Craigslist Post EVER

So you've decided to use the elevator
Reply to: pers-554811534@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-28, 4:56PM EST

Hi there! I'm glad to see you've chosen the elevator as your preferred way of navigating the various floors of this office building. I know that you have many alternative means at your disposal of getting from floor to floor (the stairs, for instance), but I think you made the right choice by getting in at the ground floor (pun intende) with the fine elevator service offered by the landlord of this building.
As a fellow fan of the elevator I thought I might provide some helpful advice.

I know the elevator can be confusing. All those pretty lights and buttons! Because of this, it is important to ascertain beforehand which floor you want to go to. I know the options are many what with the building having 7 whole levels, so let's do a brief run-through:
You do not want to press the button for the ground floor, if this happens to be the floor on which you are entering the elevator. The same goes for any other level on which you are entering the elevator. If you are summoning the elevator, it is because you wish to go to another floor. Confusing, I know, but keep it in mind.
The buttons to select the desired floor are not placed randomly. You ultimately selected the 4th floor. 4 is located between 3 and 5. You do not need to stand in front of the buttons for a good 30 seconds trying to locate 4. It has not moved since kindergarden, rest assured. Trusty old 4 is still right where it should be, holding down the fort between 2 prime numbers.
Once you have reached your floor, it is appropriate to vacate the elevator. This is where you want to be. It's a magical moment, reaching your destination, but please enjoy it from outside the elevator. I was already late for work due to my girlfriend sleeping over, and I felt obligated to give her a little lovin this morning. You staring in wonderment at the fourth floor in all its glory just made me 30 seconds later, and my boss 30 seconds more angry.
Do not stare at yourself in the elevator mirror while another human being is in there with you. I admit, when I am alone in the elevator, I too make funny faces and admire myself in the mirror. The key word though, is 'alone.' I appreciate that you are big, you are beautiful, and somewhere under that makeup, there is a woman. Admire yourself in all your god-created glory another time, because frankly, you're wigging me out.

I hope that this has been educational. Should you have any questions regarding the operation of the elevator after reading this either consult the manual god gave you at birth called common sense, or avoid using the elevator all together by opening a window on one of the higher floors, and jumping out because YOU ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO USE THE ELEVATOR!

Signed,
That guy who works on the 7th floor.

Cancer - Joe Jackson

Everything
Everything gives you cancer
Everything
Everything gives you cancer
There's no cure, there's no answer
Everything gives you cancer

Don't touch that dial
Don't try to smile
Just take this pill
It's in your file

Don't work hard
Don't play hard
Don't plan for the graveyard
Remember -

Everything
Everything gives you cancer
Everything
Everything gives you cancer
There's no cure, there's no answer
Everything gives you cancer

Don't work by night
Don't play by day
You'll feel all right
But you will pay

No caffeine
No protein
No booze or
Nicotine
Remember -


This was the song of my weekend. Go figure.

Glass of Wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Disco Grrl is Back!

I am BACK! Despite Calderone having to cancel at Stereo, I still managed to make it out to dance. And I've realized that I've lost a lot of my stamina, so I definitely must go out more often and get back into shape, asap!

I went to the Legend party at the former K.O.X. location and had a blast - just like the last time I was there. Good people, good tunes and I love the space! B'Ugo is a great dj and amazing friend, so I definitely plan on supporting him next Friday, along with Hayden for their Suck My K.O.X. party launch.

DJ Manny Ward will be attending since he is playing Stereo on Saturday night (Which I will ALSO be going to.) Inobe, Karlito, Ben, Greg and more of the crew will be along, so it promises to be a stellar night.

I'm back!

Opposites

This person has the same name as one of my dearest friends, yet they are complete opposites living in the same city. Scary!

Brick - Ben Folds Five

On Ben Folds Live, Folds explained: "People ask me what this song's about... I was asked about it a lot, and I didn't really wanna make a big hairy deal out of it, because I just wanted the song to speak for itself. But the song is about when I was in high school, me and my girlfriend had to get an abortion, and it was a very sad thing. And, I didn't really want to write this song from any kind of political standpoint, or make a statement. I just wanted to reflect what it feels like. So, anyone who's gone through that before, then you'll know what the song's about." (thanks, Matt - Conway, AR)
This is the single that got the group noticed by a mainstream audience. It got a lot of radio play on various formats.
The year before this came out, Folds got some attention when he played the Lollapalooza Tour, often beating the hell out of his piano onstage.
When this became a hit, the group played a lot of radio station concerts as a favor for the airplay. Folds hated these shows, as the fans were usually there just to hear this. At one of them, a DJ asked them onstage which one of their girlfriends had the abortion.
This was not released as a single in the US. It got it's chart position due to airplay.
Some lyric interpretation:

"Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Then I ever have before
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
This is the main symbol in this song: the brick and drowning. "She" refers to the girlfriend. Just imagine yourself underwater, running out of air, and trying to resurface... all the while carrying a brick. A little hard, eh? This is how Ben Folds Five meant it, that the girlfriend is dragging him down. Another good twist on this is this: one lifeguard certification test is to retrieve a brick from underwater. Could it be that the guy in the song wasn't ready for this kind of responsibility and commitment, just like a beginning lifeguard wouldn't be ready for that test?

"Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere"
My interpretation of this line was that the abortion is throwing him off track. 'Off the coast' meaning his life has suddenly taken a little detour, and 'headed nowhere' is him realizing that becoming a teenage father will get him nowhere in life.

"They call her name at 7:30"
'They' meaning the people at the abortion clinic.

"Then I walk down to buy her flowers
and sell some gifts that I got"
Buying her flowers is maybe the one indication in the whole song that he still cares for this girl. He is selling some gifts (Christmas gifts, remember this is the day after Christmas) to help pay for the abortion.

"Can't you see
It's not me you're dying for"
This is an interesting two lines, as it is him talking to the unborn child.

"Now she's feeling more alone
Then she ever has before"
This is where we finally learn the girl's state of mind in all this, and this indicates she's not doing too well. This girl is very upset about the abortion, and might be becoming depressed.

"They told me son its time to tell the truth
She broke down and I broke down
Cause I was tired of lying"
The parents have finally realized something was up with those two, and both of them broke down and told the truth.

"Driving home to her apartment
For the moment we're alone
She's alone
I'm alone
Now I know it."
This is perhaps the saddest part of the song. Even though they both went through this experience, they aren't truly in it together. 'For the moment we're alone' makes you think he means that the two of them are away from everyone else, but the next two lines show that what he really meant was that she was alone, and he was alone. Despite being "alone" in the car together, they were separate. Going through this kind of experience is tough, and it helps if you're going through it together. But we finally realize they are on two totally different wavelengths, and while they may still love each other (I am assuming here that they do), they will never be as close as they were before. (thanks, Jen - Mt. Laurel, NJ)

LOVES IT!

Cold hands, warm heart

I've often wondered where this expression came from, so I looked it up.

Not showing one's feelings does not signify lack of feeling. For example, Dan rarely sends flowers or anything, but he's a case of cold hands, warm heart. Why a literally cold hand should indicate sympathy or affection is not really clear, but this expression has been so used since about 1900, and the Germans have an identical saying ( kalte Hand, warmes Herz).

(Taken from answers.com)

Which Office Character Are You?

Sometimes my place of work reminds me of this show, so I decided to take this quiz. Here are the results.

If you answered mostly Bs, you are most like Pam Beesly, the friendly voice of reason in a sometimes chaotic workplace. The bright spots of your day include pulling practical jokes, playing FreeCell on your computer and making people happy by doing extra, unnecessary work.

If you answered mostly Ds, you are exactly like Stanley Hudson: hard-working and serious, yet grumpy and disgruntled. Your boss annoys you, your pay depresses you, and for the most part, you’re laid back… unless something or someone gets you angry, then you become frightening.


I had an even amount of B's and D's.

Cocoa Locale

This Year

I am going to:

Decorate my apartment
Go to more Picnik Electroniks
Learn to BMX
Meet a cool graffiti artist (maybe those Kopshop kids)
Take more pictures of my city
Write more in my blog and work on my book
Take Indian Fusion dance classes
Sign up for my pottery class
Learn another language

It's all about new challenges and loving the life I'm living.

My Door Is NOT A Toilet!

If I EVER catch the complete A**HOLE who lets their dog SH*T right in front on my door EVERY day, I am going to rub their f-ing face RIGHT in it.

Please - what kind of idiot/imbecile does something like that?!

Welcome 2008 - and Goodbye 2007, Ya Weirdo!

2008 is FINALLY here! 2007 was quite a tumultuous year for me - a year of a lot of growing and changes. I'm in a good place now with a lot of good thing coming up. I love my apartment and am slowly making it mine. I love my job - challenging and I have a great bunch of co-workers. I'm very excited to see where this company is headed!

And without further ado, 2007, you were one hell of a year. Here is the weird news that shaped you.

Holy smoke" in nunnery tops 2007 weird news
By Erik Kirschbaum

BERLIN (Reuters) - From a Greek nunnery turned into a marijuana farm by two men posing as gardeners to a South African man with a gunshot wound told by a doctor to "walk the pain off," the world was full of weird news in 2007.

A Moscow woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat.

"I was burning like a torch," the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. "I don't know what I did to deserve this."

In another unusual living arrangement, a German man left his dead mother seated in her favorite armchair at their shared home for two years after her death of natural causes at age 92.

Yet not everything that smelled like a corpse was really dead in 2007. In the German town of Kaiserslautern, police broke into a darkened flat expecting to find a corpse after neighbors complained of a nasty smell seeping out into the hallway.

But instead they found a tenant with very smelly feet asleep in bed next to a pile of extremely foul-smelling laundry.

There were sadly many deaths in 2007 that were hardly noticed, such as in Zagreb, where a Croatian man who boarded a night tram and died in his seat rode through the city for more than six hours before the driver discovered he was dead.

Unusual diets made headlines in 2007 -- such as: "No more crispy duck at Beijing toilets." Food stalls attached to Beijing's public toilets were banned ahead of the Olympics after complaints over toilets with poor sanitation.

Also in China, 66-year-old Jiang Musheng said 40 years of swallowing live tree frogs and rats helped him avoid intestinal pain and made him strong.

British artist Mark McGowan ate a meal of meatballs made from a dead corgi dog in a protest against animal cruelty. He said the corgi, which died from natural causes, tasted terrible.

Criminals filled odd news headlines around the world. In the United States, two Colorado men were accused of plotting to kill a man with rattlesnakes in a dispute over a $60,000 poker debt.

"It's a story out of the Wild West -- there's poker, rattlesnakes and unsavory characters," said Lance Clem, of the Colorado Bureau of Investigation. "You've got a bunch of snakes becoming involved with a bunch of snakes."

In Sarajevo, two armed men disguised as Muslim women in burqas held up a bank and escaped with $40,000.

A Zimbabwe man stole a bus because he needed transport to get his driving license.

A German bus driver threw a 20-year-old off because he said she was too sexy for his bus. "He opened the door and shouted 'Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can't concentrate on the traffic'," the woman said.

In La Paz, the winner of a Bolivian beauty contest was stripped of her title moments after her coronation when judges noticed she was wearing false hair plaits.

Climate change found its way into weird news. A Hummer owner in Russia's St. Petersburg gave activists the green light to pelt his oversized vehicle with rotten eggs and tomatoes.

A 60-year-old German man stunned lawyers during his appeal hearing on a flashing conviction by stripping off in court.

Every story needs a happy ending and Bangkok delivered for this one. A 76-year-old Malay Muslim woman from southern Thailand got on the wrong bus 25 years ago and got lost, ending up living as a beggar at the other end of the country.

But in 2007 she was finally reunited with her family.