Friday, February 16, 2007

Stuck in My Head...

This song has been stuck in my head and has been making me think of someone specifically...

When can my heart beat again
When does the pain ever end
When do the tears stop from running over
When does youll get over it begin

I hear what youre sayin
But I swear that its not making sense
So when can I see you

When can I see you again
When can my heart beat again
When can I see you again
And when can I breathe once again
And when can I see you again

When does my someday begin
When Ill find someone again
And what if I still am not truly over
What am I supposed to do then

Please hear what Im sayin
Even if, if its not making sense
So when can I see you


Please hear what Im sayin
Even if, if its not making sense
So when can I see you

Hook 2 times

Thursday, February 15, 2007


And no I don't have anything! Never have, never will.

I am talking about that corporate created "holiday" that just passed. I hate it if only for the reason that I am usually alone, or that there are unreasonable expectations created that don't pan out.

Well I worked all day. Which wasn't bad. It kept me busy and out of trouble. i.e. drunkenness.

Then we were in the middle of a HUGE snowstorm when I left work and I got to my "date" VERY late. 11 pm dinner with Scotty and Kirk and then a movie, The Departed, which actually was very good. We got drunk on wine, did a line, and then my former fling Jesse happened along and drove me home.

My crush messaged me and we have plans this weekend.

And my lovely friend Jason from Vancouver had a dozen long stemmed roses delivered to me today.

I'm lucky as I clearly do have love in my life and I'm so happy that so many people thought of me yesterday.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Weekend Wrap Up

Having only slept about three or four hours Friday night as I had the mind-fuck that is typical when I know I don't have as much time to sleep as I would like, I dragged my ass out of bed Saturday morning to head to work for a day of training. So early, so cold, so unhappy.

The training was actually very interesting and went extremely well. I left work earlier than normal and headed home to get ready for my Booze and Boardgames Party. Being the pseudo-Jewish mother that I am, at least at heart, I went to load up on food (I'd already got the booze, one has to have priorities you know!) and started tidying up my apartment.

Everything got done in plenty of time and I was able to relax in between tasks.

People started arriving later than planned, but I was ok with it as I was tired and needed time to settle in to what I knew would end up being a long night/day.

The evening at home was fun with such topics as monkeys on pot, the inhalation department, bathhouses and queen fag hags. Everyone seemed to get along very well and I hope that perhaps some new friendships were formed.

By the time 2ish rolled around, I was pretty hammered and hankering to go out and dance some of the stress, hurt and turmoil away. Arriving at the club, I was happy to see no lineup and then my beautiful amazing Dominic, the guest list bitch. He'd messaged me earlier in the week berating me for having been MIA in the past while. I saw several people I knew already and knew it would not necessarily be an easy night.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a lot of the people I care about all randomly show up, everyone drawn to be out for whatever reasons, but we all ended up there together. I started to dance, but felt out of sync and had trouble concentrating and shutting out all other distractions to get into my groove. I think I accomplished it at some points, but the night felt somewhat off. At least I feel like I got some frustration worked out.

Memorable moments: One friend being hit on by a guy and not being interested, telling him, "Sorry but I don't do charity work." CUNTY!

Getting trashed with Boozecaster and briefly discussing the demise of our respective relationships. Him telling me, "We loved each other so much, but we just weren't meant to be." Hearing that he actually meant it and could understand the lonely place I am feeling. We made plans to have dinner Wednesday, him offering to cook for me and who can resist a man offering to cook for you? Later on, I realized it was the dreaded VD. Happily I won't be alone and miserable. As much as I hate greeting card contrived holidays, I am also a girl and need to feel special, validation and love from someone.

Brief comments exchanged with the Captain about how lucky we are to have the friends we do who are all such amazing people.

A bouncer caught the bar dj smoking inside and tried to toss him out without his possesions. It didn't end up happening, but it was a truly sketch moment.

And the oddest one of all? Receiving this message: "I had canceled with XXX but then u showed me pics of ur new bf. I'm mildly hung up on u. I'm mostly fascinated by u I guess. Few people capture my attention like u have. Glad and not glad u met someone if that makes any sense. XXX is great and lots of fun, but not the one. I guess I feel u might have been. You're an awesome chick."

What exactly does one say or do in a situation like this?

Clearly a bump, or two.

Feeling fragile, exhausted from having to explain life changes to several people, feeling like I had to justify who I am to others, I arrived home ready to nap and see the lucky one tonight.

But he cancelled. Family plans apparently? And I was pushed off until tomorrow. In all honestly, I am happy as I will have a lot more time to rest and pull myself together. Having a mini freak out for many reasons, and again plan on setting up some kind of therapy. It's hard to learn to trust someone and give them the benefit of the doubt. Especially when my heart was set on being in his arms tonight. I was yearning that shelter. A temporary one perhaps, but still what balm my soul needs right now.

I like him ever so much - which is terrifying and exhilarating. I just need to learn to calm down, breathe, and be patient! Much easier said than done for someone who DETESTS waiting for anything. *sigh*

*bumpity, bump*

So Then Why??

I have this bad obsession with reading nasty celebrity gossip sites. It's trashy and beneath me, but it's my (ok, ONE of my) secret pleasures.

So today I am reading what EYEZAK has to say about Britney, someone milking their 15 minutes of fame for all it's worth, but I digress, and I can't help but wonder about this statement:

"It was clear she was not over her marriage. The first time she invited me to her home I saw her wedding dress hung on the wall in a glass box. As we made love that night it was like Kevin was in bed beside us. She had not even begun to move on with her life."

WHY, if you felt this way, would you actually do the deed? You know she's not over him, she's fragile and you take advantage?


Not that I had any respect for this trashy leech, but I definitely don't now.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

The Measure of a Life

Lately I have been pondering what makes a life meaningful or worthwhile. I've been inspired by fantastic people I consider friends, and by new people I have recently encountered.

I thought I was doing well, but realized I was being quite complacent about things. Not taking care of what I should be taking care of and letting things slide. In more ways than one. Letting relationships that shouldn't be fester into gaping sores that ultimately were draining all of my energy was probably the worst thing I was doing.

But then one morning I just woke up and got it. I was over it. Time to move on.

And since then, things have been getting increasingly more satisfying at an alarming rate.

My major irritation and worry and stress at work is now gone. I have a new boss, one who I believe respects me and who I actually feel is competent. My month has started off fantastically and can only get better.

I have been increasingly forging better relationships with my family and feel closer to them than I have in years which is no mean feat.

I am going to the gym several times a week and actually am looking forward to it every day. Researching dance schools and with plans to start climbing and sailing as soon as winter is over. All of this physical activity is making me happy, I feel much healthier already and I'm delirious that I'm being so active and not finding it difficult at all.

And then there's the person I met. He thrills me. Interests me. Captivates me. Says things that make me cry I am so happy. But as Sheeba was all too quick to point out, I could very easily turn this new beginning into a full broadway production with two kids and a nanny. So I won't. But I so very much want to. It's been a long time since I felt so inspired and cherished at the same time.

I am also feeling more inspired to write these days. But as I have no idea where to begin, I think I should look up a course that will help me along the way.

So to answer the question about myself, what measures my life? Well I am happy to say in 2007 it seems that I will stop cutting myself short and realize my true worth and what I have to give. I'm set on making myself more interesting, healthier and definitely happier.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

This Week's Predictions

CANCER (June 21–July 22):You're being compelled to get reacquainted with forbidden dreams and buried secrets and hidden truths. Be honest: It's not so bad; it's probably even a bit thrilling. Though it may generate some pungent and poignant dramas, you've got to admit that the dramas are pretty entertaining. And besides, if you can find a way to feel amused as you cooperate with these forbidden dreams and buried secrets and hidden truths, they will ultimately dissolve obstacles that have been postponing your future.

I kind of hate that this is coming true in my life. But it's also thrilling. But drama makes me ill. The end result may well be worth it though.